You never know what someone is truly experience unless you talk to them and get to know them. Someone may seem like they have it all together, like what I lead people to believe once. I have a stable job, a happy home life, a happy marriage, supportive family and friends, a dream, and more. I didn’t have a reason to be struggling with my mental health, it seemed. Looks can truly be deceiving.
I kept up this façade until the spring of 2018 when I stood in my bathroom ready to end my life. God stopped me by reminding me that He has me on this earth for a reason, a mission ready to play out. There were just too many reasons to stay alive, and He reminded me of those.
After my almost suicide attempt, I called psychiatric urgent care, and went through their partial hospitalization program that lasted about a week. As a side note, hospitalization for mental health issues is nothing to be afraid of or ashamed of. Mental illness is to be treated the same as physical illness. In fact, it is all in my head, because it involves my brain. It is actually a physical issue also. Hospitalization, may it be partial or inpatient is extremely beneficial, at least in my experience.
Everyone knows that my husband and I have been trying to become parents, and normally, mental health issues would be viewed by others as something that could hinder that. Mental illness can only hinder parenting if it is not handled properly, or not even handled at all. Sorry for getting off topic, but this just popped into my mind as I was writing, and I thought I would mention it as a side note.
After going through partial hospitalization, I learned that I have borderline personality disorder, otherwise known as BPD. It is characterized mostly as unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. The cause is unknown, but it is speculated as having to do with genetics, environmental factors, and/or brain abnormalities. The best way I can explain is as an overactive amygdala (the emotional/stress response center), and an underactive prefrontal cortex (the self-regulation center).
I was ashamed of my close brush with attempting suicide, and just recently (as I am writing now), I’m realizing how essential it is to talk about it and destigmatize the topic. In my case that I mentioned, I didn’t necessarily want to die. My emotions became almost too intense to bear, and I was looking for some immediate relief. I’m sure this is a common element (among many other factors) in other suicide cases, may it be thoughts, attempts, or fatalities. I am speaking from my individual experience.
When I stood in the bathroom ready to end my life, the emotions were almost too intense, but in the end, I walked out of the bathroom, and chose life. Life is challenging in every single way, but no matter what the situation, it is temporary. Suicide is permanent. Emotions, situations, circumstances, thoughts, etc. will pass in time, and I promise that things get better. I knew I am loved, I have a purpose on this earth, and I have so much to live for. It doesn’t seem like it in the midst of deep intense emotions and thoughts, but it is the truth.
I’m hoping to start a conversation, and do my part to end the taboo. I am asking and praying that people will join me in this effort to promote awareness. I will talk more about this in my next few posts, so keep an eye out.
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